The Hunters' Day Off
by Club of the Idiots
Summary: What happens when Zero, Iris, Alia and X try to make ice-cream on their day off? WARNING: This is very bizzare and has little to do with the actual ice-cream


The Chronicles in which X, Zero, Alia, and Iris explore the vast world of cooking or in other words.... What Hunters do on their days off

Author(s)' notes: Zero is girl. Too bad. We don't care if you don't like that 'cause that's the way it is!!! *smiles and giggles insanely* Caffeine is a good thing.... 'cept that the soda has no caffeine in it...*dazed look*

"Hey, did you know that you can say the word spleen in more then one language?" Zero said, laughing. X sweat-dropped.

"Well, it's kind of obvious that you can say spleen in more then one language. I mean, it's a word... see. So, uh, I'm not making much sense, am I?"

"Course not, X. Kinda like your name. You name doesn't make much sense, either. I mean, X sounds so, uh, you uh, well..." Iris mumbled as she examined the pile of magazines on the counter. "Hmm," she picked up a magazine, "Reading about Nick Jr., Alia?" 

"OOOOOH! Blue's Clues!" Zero squealed and lunged at the magazine. She snatched it from Iris's hand and hugged it to her chest, squealing with joy.

"MINE!" Alia charged Zero and grabbed at the magazine. The two girls began a tug-of-war over the magazine. 

"Aren't we making ice-cream?" Inquired X. 

"Yup," Zero replied, relinquishing the magazine to finish her fifth can of soda. "We're just makin' it our way." 

"MAP! MAP! IT'S A MAP! YOGA! YOGA! YOGA!" Alia waved her trophy magazine in the air. "Now guess the colors Zero!"

"Red! Blue! Yellow! Green! Pink!" Zero shouted out the colors she could think of at the moment. 

Alia grabbed the milk and proceeded to pour 2 cups of milk into the measuring cup.

"NO!" shrieked Zero, "You're supposed to put one and three quarters cup in!" She poured some milk back into the jug.

"No, it's two cups!" Alia poured more milk in the measuring cup.

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah-huh!" The girls engaged in another argument.

X poured back some milk, and began to measure the whipping cream. Iris toyed idly with the salt. Upon impulse, she poured some salt down Alia's shirt.

"Oooh! Salt!" Zero squealed again and grabbed the salt shaker. Then she snatched X's, poured some salt into the hat, and plopped it back on X's head.

"Gorillas, Gorillas are here for the show," Alia sang along with the Steelers Polka song, "This song is driving me insane. Defense, Defense," Alia continued to sing anyway as she headed for the cupboard, and returned with a large bag of sugar. She began to pour it into the measuring cup.

"What the heck?" Iris jumped back in surprise. X quickly tried to wrestle the bag from Alia's arms. Zero picked up her trusty salt shaker and threw salt in X's eyes. X released his grasp on the sugar and clawed at his eyes.

Alia scanned the recipe and threw the remaining ingredients in without measuring anything. "Gradma says you doesn't has to measure," She drunkenly explained. She threw the mixture into the ice-cream making machine. 

At that moment, Dr. Cain walked in. 'How's the ice-cream going?" he asked.

"Oh shit!" Iris screamed. "We were supposed to bake the milk, sugar, and salt first! Warm the Frickin' milk! And cook the eggs!"

"What eggs?" Cain asked, looking over the ingredients. "That's the ingredients for Almond-Fudge ice cream, not vanilla."

"DOESN'T MATTER! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HEAT SOMETHING UP!" 

"Don't worry. We'll just add something to it... like, uh.... pudding mix?" he offered. Cain searched through the cabinets of Alia's kitchen and pulled out a box of tapioca pudding. "We can just sift out the little dots," He said, and opened the package. 

"But we don't have a sifter!" said Alia. "I lent it to Zero so that she could make a pecan pie, and she hasn't brought it back!"

"That would be because the stupid thing melted in the dryer," Zero grumbled, opening her sixth can of soda.

"What?" Everyone exclaimed together.

It got put through the wash with my favorite shirt. Ruined the shirt, too," Zero explained calmly.

"Doesn't matter," Cain said, examining the contents of the box. "You can't se the dots to begin with."

"Oh well," Iris said, "Add it anyway. This stuff if so screwed up, it probably won't make a difference."

Cain sprinkled some of the pudding mix into the ice cream maker. Iris left eye started twitching as she watched this. Then she began to cackle. "Add more." She grumbled. 

Cain looked up, "What?" he asked.

"Add.... More.... Pudding." By now, her whole face was twitching.

Cain sprinkled another pinch of pudding in.

"More...Pudding...." Iris 's whole body was convulsing.

Another pinch was added. Iris lost it. She grabbed the whole bag and poured the remainder in. The she ran cackling down the hall, yelling something about ice cream and tapioca pudding and her uncle Ruprickt.

Zero stared. "Wow. Even I'm not that weird. Something just snapped in her head."

"Well," Cain started, "Since she is a reploid, there is a possibility of that happening"

'Do Reploids have an F1 button?" X asked suddenly. Everyone stared at him. "What?" X looked uncomfortable. "Never-mind," he muttered.

"You should know!" Alia exclaimed. "I mean, there aren't many places that you have to look. If you just narrowed it down to...WHAT??? WHY ARE YOU ALL STARING AT ME?!?!? Yes, yes I am insane..." Alia gave a little cackle. "And the String-man shall do the Stick-figure dance with all the little monkeys in outer-space, and SUGAR!!! GIVE...ME...SUGAR...NOW!!!"

Cain and the remaining party, which consisted of few people, namely Zero and X, or, err.... reploids..., well, regardless, they backed up slowly, and sensibly remembered to grab the bag of sugar on the way. 

X tripped over his own feet, and Zero quickly grabbed his shoe. She ran over to Alia, who picked up the salt shaker and poured salt in the shoe. X stared wordlessly at the strange events taking place. Zero turned, taking the shoe with her, and dashed out the door. 

Regaining his senses, X chased after her. Alia joined the chase, after scooping up the dropped bag of sugar. Cain stared for a moment, then he put the top on the ice-cream maker, turned it on, and left for his own apartment. 

Meanwhile, Zero was charging through the halls, carrying X's salt filled shoe. X was following, minus a shoe, and Alia was behind munching on her sugar and a bag of jellybeans she found on the floor, content with sufficient amounts of sugar. Upon reaching apartment 27, Zero rang the doorbell. 

A slightly annoyed Signas opened the door. "Yes?" he inquired.

"Hello fine sir," Zero said, a huge grin on her face, "Would you like to buy a fine quality salt filled shoe? It is made from only the finest shoe type stuff."

Signas raised an eyebrow, and walked back into his apartment, closing the door behind him.

"Five Dollar! You pay now!" Zero screamed, pounding on the door. With a sigh, Zero threw the shoe behind her. It hit X in the face, catching him off balance, causing him to stumble backwards. Alia and Zero watched as X tumbled over the railing. A thump echoed up the hall.

Alia stared at Zero. "Is this being bad?" she inquired, a deranged look one her face.

Zero shrugged and started down the stairs. X appeared to be getting up from his fall. "Do you want to buy a shoe good sir..." Zero started to ask X, but a demonic grin from X signified clearly no, and from his look, he was about to commit bloody murder. X hurled his other shoe at Zero, and charged up the stairs with a broken plank to kill Zero. Squealing, Zero drunkenly giggled as she ran from the rabid X and ran into the door of the nearest apartment, Signas's to be exact, with Alia calmly following and leaving a trail of jelly-beans so that Iris could find her way if she happened to wake up.

Zero stopped and stared at the door. She blinked twice and charged off towards Alia's apartment. Along the way she passed Alia, and grabbed her bag of jellybeans. Alia squealed and grabbed wildly at the jellybeans. Zero inhaled the last of the beans and dashed in the door of the Alia's apartment. Alia followed, screaming for more jellybeans and a blood sacrifice. The door closed behind them. A thwack was heard as X ran into the door. A thump followed as he collapsed on the floor. 

After waiting a few minutes, Zero poked her head out the door. She saw X lying on the floor, and she scooped him up. She walked into the apartment and deposited the unconscious X in a corner of the living room. 

Alia, upon finding a fresh bag of jellybeans, was seated at the counter, munching contentedly. Suddenly, a maniac grin spread across her face. She stood up suddenly, spilling jellybeans all around her, and, grabbing Zero's sleeve, set out on a search for Iris. She dragged Zero out the door, and began to search. "Find Iris." Was her only response when Zero inquired as to what exactly they were looking for. As they went, Alia scooped up the jellybeans she had left on the floor and ate them.

They found Iris slumped against a wall, mumbling in her sleep about evil ice cream makers and tapioca pudding. Alia smiled and grabbed Iris's sleeve, and began to drag her down the hallway. Zero offered to carry Iris, but Alia shook her head, mumbling something about her great plans.

When they got back to the apartment, Alia pulled Iris over to X's corner. She began to arrange the two unconscious repliods in a suggestive manner. Upon realizing Alia's plan, Zero ran to get her camera. She came skipping back, and began to take rapid photos from all angles. 

"Should we wake them up?" Zero asked Alia.

"Hmmm..... This should be interesting...." Alia said, grinning. Grabbing an empty spray bottle, she filled it with cold water and began to spray the two reploids.

Coughing, Iris awoke first. Blinking a few times, she noticed that she wasn't in her room.

And that there was someone's face right in front of hers.

And that face belonged to X.

Screaming louder then Zero or Alia thought was possible for even a reploid, she jumped up and started to kick the unconscious X. "DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!"

"Holy shit...." Zero said, staring. "I though Iris was, I dunno, sort of peace loving. Not violent. Not the kind of person to do this."

Alia nodded. "Yeah, I do hope that she doesn't fin d out that it was us, or that we took photos."

Almost as if on cue, Iris stopped her beating of X, and turned around. "You... did... what?!?!?"

"Um.... Zero?"

"Yes. This is 'Run-Like-Hell' time."

"Okay."

Iris then chased the other to females out of the apartment and locked the door.

X, who was still in the corner, sat up and rubbed his head. He sat there for a moment, complaining about the 18-wheeler that had run over his head, until Iris noticed him.

"What, may I ask, were you thinking?" she snarled at X. X blinked, and began to reply, but Iris interuppted him, "Do you have any idea how traumatizing this is going to be? I mean, of all the things you could have possibly done, that was probably the worst and…"

"What on Earth are you talking about?" X interrupted.

"About what you just did!"

'And what did I just do, other then get knocked out by Alia's door?" 

"You...well...um...in the corner... Do you mean to tell me that you were unconscious through all of that?"

"Well, yes, whatever 'that' is," X was now thoroughly confused.

Iris, with a rather puzzled look on her face said, "You mean...you didn't...?"

"Well it depends on what '...' means," X stated. He was starting to get annoyed with all this nonsense. "Oi, Okay. Look. All I know is that someone was trying to sell my shoe to Signas, and...What?" he said, seeing Iris's skeptical glance. "So they were trying to sell my shoe and they hit me with it, and the salt got in my eyes and I think I'm very confused, but with you, what did you think I would do with you? Eww... with... you? Iris, come on, you'd have to pay me to..." He ducked all the objects that were hurled in his general direction, but in-between objects he got out the words, "Now, really *duck* Iris *duck* with...*duck* you? You've *duck* got *duck* to be kidding." *SMACK* "Oww.... wow....look at all the pretty birdies....MY EYE!!! What the heck is with you people and my..." X suddenly wore a dazed expression and, once again, sank deeper into unconsciousness, "eye..." *slump*

At that moment, there came a click from the door as someone picked the lock. The door burst open and Alia and Zero waltzed in. They were dressed ridiculously tacky outfits. Alia was wearing a green vinyl raincoat (which was tow sizes too small), a blue bucket hat, and was carrying a tennis racket and the sports section of the daily newspaper, folded under her arm. Zero was wearing a red hat with a pompom, and was carrying a pack of Instant Ramen and a tennis racket.

"We stopped by Zero's to pick up some supplies, so let us be off on a Bassalope Hunt!" Alia cried out gleefully, as she handed Iris a pillow, a pair of rain-boots, and a large, pointy stick. In an undertone she added, "You might want to be a little careful with that stick there."

Iris held the collection of objects in her arms and stared at them. She was at a complete lack of words.

Alia explained the purpose of the various objects as if she was talking to a first grader who didn't know right from left. "We use the noodles a bait, and snag them with the pillow and the newspaper. Then, if they get rowdy, ya poke them with the stick. The hats are so they can't tell you apart from the trees."

"Strange trees, I take it?" Iris replied raising one eyebrow. By now she had decided to go along with the whole ordeal, in hopes she wouldn't end up in any more situations like the last. 'So what are the rackets and the boots for?"

"Show, duh!" Zero promptly replied.

"So...umm...should we go...hunting then?" Iris asked, clearly worried about their sanities.

Alia shook her head and put her finger to her lips. "The beast approaches," she said in a whisper, and carefully set the newspaper on the floor. "C'mon," she said, gesturing towards the door. "We'll hide behind this."

Iris followed with _both_ eyebrows raised, and followed the two insane-sugar high girls that had once been perfectly intelligent, sane working Hunters.

Cain walked into the door, and was appalled the destruction that greeted him. He had just left _twenty_ minutes ago. Were these the stoic, hard-working Iris, Alia, Zero, and X? Where was X? And why on earth was the sports section of the newspaper on the floor? With Ramen Noodles on it? Ramen??? As he bent down to pick it up, he was ambushed by two rabid girls, and politely whacked by one.

"What on earth are you doing? Alia, Iris, Zero?"

"Don't listen!" Alia yelled as the whacked him with the pillow, and got him down to the floor. "It's only one of the tricks it uses!!!"

Cain, with much difficulty, pulled the rabid girls and the polite one, set them on the floor, and went to check on the ice cream. "It's me, Cain, you twits!" he exclaimed. "I just came to check on the ice-cream. Where is it?"

"I dumped it out the window," Zero stated matter-of-factly. "It was hurting precious's feelings."

"Yes," Alia agreed her voice distant as she found several more jellybeans and slowly started to eat them.

Cain looked around the room, which was in utter chaos. Alia was captivated by the jellybeans, Zero was trying to chew Cain's arm off, X was slumped against the wall, unconscious again, and Iris was skipping around the room on a merry quest for more tapioca pudding. Note to self, Cain thought, Never give them a day off again.


End file.
